It's been a terrible day for me but this breakdown has been a long time coming.
I've always been a bit of a lone wolf even though I love having company. In the past I've chosen to be by myself because I've been able to be alone without feeling lonely, it has helped me recover and stress down. But these days I tend to isolate myself more and more because I don't want to be a bother to other people; any and all people but people I know in particular. Being by myself has become a source of stress in itself and I feel more and more lonely. I don't want to force myself on people and consequently make them grow tired of me. It's entirely counterproductive because I know that I feel better when I'm spending time with people; no matter how little I feel like I contribute or how tedious or stupid I feel I'm being.
I'm absolute shit at keeping up with people and staying in touch and seeing people, you know, doing the things friends do to and with one another. I think about doing them all the time but then I end up not doing them after all. I often feel inadequate as a friend because of this.
I enjoy the little things from my friends; a text message, a phone call, a postcard, some sort of confirmation that I'm on their mind from time to time and I imagine that my friends enjoy the same things. It's not that I lack imagination. I have ideas for messages, letters, outings and adventures but there's a mighty big wall to climb between communicating them to the people I hold dear and where I am.
Maybe I'm being silly, maybe it's my cold (or lack of coffee) playing tricks on my brain.
I'm too busy to have this cold. I've got shit that need taking care of.
This has been my day off. I've done absolutely nothing.
Work is a mess.
My Halloween costume isn't finished yet.
But I am going to see Dylan Moran this Sunday.