This nerd's home

This past weekend I really got busy.

I repainted a chest of drawers for my bedroom, put up brass curtain hooks to finally let some sunshine in, hung a poster of the Shire and reduced the height of that pile of clothes that needed some rejuvenation before wearing. Also went to a Geek Pride parade. Didn't wear my hobbit costume.

Deadpool - new and improved

Yeah, I fucking LOVED that the damage done by that tragic excuse for a Wolverine movie was entirely obliterated by the great success that is Deadpool. And yeah sure, I'm aware that it's only thanks to afore mentioned success that the next Wolverine movie might actually be 'R'-rated. We'll see.

This man of... mine?

It's not official until it's on facebook, right? I mean, that's what I've been told. I dunno. This has to be seen as foreign territory to me after being single for the last 6½ years. I actually have a boyfriend. Let that sink in for a moment...

And it was him that I took with me to Dara O'Briain last night to have a fantastic time.

#chuggyhaditcoming

Time to get this Hutt crispy

Haven't updated in a while now due to 'life' getting me down yet again. Coming back from my relaxing little mini vacation only to be hit in the face by everyday pet peeves that suddenly ganged up on me made me seriously consider uprooting myself and becoming a hermit. That way I won't have to deal with any other idiocy but my own. I hate reality.

But alas, I was finally able to supress my seething anger and move on. This much thanks to one of my closest friends paying me a visit to let me vent my frustration but also make me experiment with cooking. For the first time ever we made Chinese dumplings and though they were rather time consuming in the making, they were in the end absolutely yummy. Being brought back up from my mood swing I'm now also back to reading and that meant picking up the next book on my ever growing list of reading material; 'Anansi Boys' by Neil Gaiman (a kind of sequel to 'American Gods' which I loved). Slow start but gathers up speed pretty quickly after the first 30 or so pages. I've only about 70 pages left but had to move out of the sun by reason of being paler than a sheet of bleached paper and expecting to be lobster red by sunset.

Oh, and Psst! Tomorrow is the day I get to see Dara O'Briain perform his stand-up Crowd Tickler here in Gothenburg. That'll be amazing beyond words.

Bad/Good mornings

Some mornings I find myself waking up to find something out of the Black Lagoon looking back at me from the mirrors. Other mornings I feel like I could conquer the world.

This last autumn has been absolutely terrible for me with a lot of stress and tension both in my professional and private life and Christmas didn't make it any better. At all. So I promised myself that I would take time off as soon as I could and catch up on sleep and company. Which I now have. I've had two weeks off and fuck me, they've done miracles!

I've finished three books, slept a bit, gone back to the gym, had company, had great food... and I've had some good mornings.

Cheers Mr. Wenham

I went to the Scandinavian SciFi, Game & Film Convention in Gothenburg this past weekend and after having queued for 1,5 hours to get in(!) I went straight for David Wenham's table. Once at the table I barely had time to get my Lord of the Rings book out of my rucksack before it was my turn. To pay 300SEK for an autograph and a non-commital half-smile smarts a bit but was totally worth it when looking at the end result.

A time when "disgusting" was synonymous with my body

What follows is a rant about body image and my ways of dealing with it.

I'm 27 years old and I've kept a personal diary since I was 13. I tend to burn the note books I use as I finish writing them. However, this last diary has lasted me since spring 2008 depending on the fact that I haven't written as regularly as I might have needed to for my own sanity's sake. It's been a tool to sort out and get rid of bad feelings that would otherwise fester and turn into even bigger monsters than they already are to begin with.
Sometimes I decide, against my better judgement, to leaf through this diary just to see what's happened in my life. I mean, it is over seven years of my life compressed into text and ticket stubs, including the time I spent studying in Belfast. Not much has happened as it turns out, apparently I'm not that adventurous, but something radical may have happened to my self image.

When I've written anything about my body or my looks I have always used the word "disgusting" or a variation thereof. Always, without exceptions. That word seems to have been synonymous with my body throughout many years of my life, but I am so SICK and tired of disliking myself based on societal norms that I have internalised over years and years of being exposed to all the wrong media. About four years ago I started following a massive amount of body-positive blogs on Tumblr and actively tried to see the beauty in people's differences. Fuck body-hate and all of that.  Like, if this person on my screen can look this fucking beautiful and confident and amazing then why can't I with all of my similar imperfections? It's sunken in slowly and gradually. It's taken years. At first I was furious because I was absolutely certain that I couldn't possibly be as beautiful and feel as good (or even deserved it) as these perfect people I came across every day on my Tumblr dash. It was only recently that I accepted that I will never be really skinny or, seeing as I'm a tall person, even close to petite (which is the only way I've been told one can be beautiful) and that I would probably rather look like She-Hulk than Angelina Jolie. AND THAT'S OKAY because not everybody does or can and what the hell, I will never look like She-Hulk either, who am I kidding but that's ok too. I'm me and I'm fucking awesome.

Strangely enough, getting tattooed was one of those things that really helped me feeling more beautiful. I've covered pieces of me that I didn't appreciate (my legs have always bothered me, especially my thighs) with artwork and now I can't wait for summer so I can show them off without further excuse. Who gives a shit about stretch marks and cellulite when there's gorgeous art attached to the same piece of skin?
Other things that pushed me to see myself in a different light include getting full length mirrors and taking a ton of selfies. Yes, selfies. It works for me.

It's a slooooooow and constant process but it gladdens me that I don't use that word about myself as much anymore, but that's much because I've gone from talking about my "disgusting" body and how much I resent it to not mentioning it much at all. My body is there, it exists, but it doesn't bother me in the same way anymore. My body is not the most important thing about me. I have good days and I have bad days, obviously, but I am getting closer to a point where I can accept my body and use it for all the good it can do me. The point is that there's less anxiety surrounding it now and for once I actually feel like I have some sort of control over it. Autonomy. Freedom to do as I wish with it; be it dying my hair green, going to the gym (or not), wearing certain types of clothes (or none at all), eating food ("good" and "bad") or sticking jewellery in my nose (or other parts of my body). That's my choice and I've been too preoccupied with what other people might think of it to consider how it might make me feel.

I'm surrounded by good people these days. Good feminist people that will not take any bullshit from anyone. That helps, A LOT. Reading feminist body-positive texts about how I am beautiful independently of other people's opinions is also good because I feel like I really need that reminder whenever possible. I am allowed to love myself no matter what other people might think.
I must refuse to be the product of somebody elses desire but my own.

This has been a rant.
Over and out.

I think I want a furball

I've had zero inspiration to write or read anything lately. When I haven't played the Talos Principle I've mostly been torn between wanting to get a cat (only to see exactly why I shouldn't get one, namely fur) and wanting to get on the bus to be with that Man I've Been Seeing (only to have my sense of duty a thirst for money hit me over the head). Books that would normally have taken me a few days to finish takes forever to get through and I can't get my brain to focus long enough to finish any of the blog posts I've planned. Come to think of it, I haven't had much inspiration for much else either - like cleaning and folding laundry and all that stuff.

So today I've missed my old cat Torsten. He'd have loved it here with me. Until he'd realised that he wasn't allowed outside. That'd make him go blender on my face 💕  

Gone but never forgotten.

Filed under X

In the last week I've binge-watched over three seasons of the X Files.
I haven't seen any of it before (except that one episode I accidentally watched when I was wee little that traumatised me for life) but still felt like I should be a good lil' nerd and at least give it a chance (and make it easier for myself as I watch the new recently released episodes). So I have. And as far as I can tell it's about two FBI agents of which one constantly gets in trouble (Mulder) and the other cleans up the mess whilst rolling her eyes exquisitely (Scully).

I'm here for this.

Six more seasons to go.

On dogs and cars

I've met a person that makes my heart want to break out of my chest, if only to let the butterflies harbouring within escape. My life has been turned upside down and plunged into chaos in the few months since he entered it and I feel like I have done so many wrongs to land this one right.

I feel like a dog happily chasing after a car.
Well, I caught the damned car, what do I do now?

HE DID IT

Congratulations to Leonardo DiCaprio who've finally won that Academy Award he deserves.

Look at that happy lil' face!

Well done you!

Happy S.A.D. 2016

This is still relevant. Oh so relevant.

Ehehe, he so scared

I've watched it sooooo many times now, but it's still fuuuuunny.

Thank you, Markiplier.

Oh no

I just realised something. My tattoo. My TARDIS tattoo. The sign on the front of the TARDIS is on the wrong door. A whole year I've had that tattoo and only now did I see it. I always see it in a mirror and it's right when mirrored! I didn't see it! Well, hell.
I can't be bovvered.

Dear 2015,

At the beginning of the year I made a promise to not make any promises for you, the upcoming year. No new year's resolutions that I could get anxious about or break. I'd say it worked out pretty well for me.

The blog passed 50 000 pageviews in 2015. To my great relief I moved, not once but twice. It was kind of coincidental (accidental?), yes, but it did land me with my own place in the end (and far more importantly; away from the Corridor which I was so desperately trying to escape).

At the end of April I took that trip to Old Blighty that I started planning at the end of last year together with a dear friend of mine. As if all of this didn't make it seem like I have all the money in the world I also got myself a new tattoo and finally finished my faun. Moreover, I seem to have bought and played a lot of awesome games during the course of the year. This pleases me to no end. I'm aware I might be more than a bit late but I've mostly played and very much enjoyed Witcher, Portal, Psychonauts, Skyrim, Magicka and The Wolf Among Us. Old goodies.

On a sadder note I lost a most beloved friend during the summer of 2015. My dear old Torsten went to his final rest, 19 years old, blind but still king of the farm. My grumpy little angel.

RIP Turbo Torsten

In August, I visited my 10th Medieval Week and kind of went all in to make sure and have done those things that I usually don't do when I'm there. A lot of sitting around, laughing and drinking the nights away in good company.
And then I finally got to see Dylan Moran. The man is inexplicably amazing.

In 2015 I've read a few books that really left a lasting impression; The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch was enchanting and I'm looking forward to reading the other books of the Gentlemen Bastards series. Lighthousekeeping by Jeanette Winterson is not what I usually take time to read but based on a friend's recommendation I had to give it a go and it turned out to be a total dream. I highly recommend it to everyone who appreciates the written word. Already, I'm planning a re-read some time in the spring. I wasn't as impressed with Glen Duncan's The Last Werewolf as I was with his book I, Lucifer. Too predictable I felt though I absolutely love urban fantasy.
On a whim I also decided to read The Princess Bride by William Goldman and recommend everyone that love the movie as much as I do to do so as well.

I think I've made some new friends this year that I'd love to hang out with some more. I might have made a few new enemies - this is expected. I gave less of a fuck about other people's opinions. I did travel a bit.
There might have been less hugging than I would have liked but hey, I doubt there's an amount of hugging big enough for me.

I have plans for 2016 and a great deal of hope. I don't know a lot of things for sure but I will be seeing Dara O'Briain's show Crowd Tickler in May and yet again I'm planning a little adventure out of the country.

So, in conclusion:

Dear 2015,
we will never see each other ever again. And I'm fine with that.